birth

you are there
in that space beyond consciousness
on the cusp of life
and you do not know fear

so why do I
realizing with sudden urgency
the importance of now
the brevity of each passing day
recoil from the cliff's edge
my heart throbbing violently against its cage

what is this paralyzing ache
that seeps into my bones
when I stare into the worn and weary canvas of my grandfather's face
or when I am seized by the music of my youth
and I cannot breathe

you are there
in that space beyond consciousness
on the cusp of life
and you do not know fear

one day
many years from now
you will return to that space
just as we all circle back
to that from which we came

what choice do we have
but to journey home?

my mind is officially blown ...

the Void

A quote from Jack Kerouac's Desolation Angels:

"Hold together, Jack, pass through everything, and everything is one dream, one appearance, one flash, one sad eye, one crystal lucid mystery, one word -- Hold still, man, regain your love of life and go down from this mountain and simply be -- be-- be the infinite fertilities of the one mind of infinity, make no comments, complaints, criticisms, appraisals, avowals, sayings, shooting stars of thoughts, just flow, flow, be you all, be you what it is, it is only what it always is -- Hope is a word like a snow-drift -- This is the Great Knowing, this is the Awakening, this is the Voidness -- So shut up, live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry -- Prunes, prune, eat your prunes -- And you have been forever, and will be forever, and all the worrisome smashings of your foot on innocent cupboard doors it was only the Void pretending to be a man pretending not to know the Void --"

Parallax

our need to measure
determine
define
is satisfied by these instruments we use
but is just as easily accomplished through awareness
of where we stand
in space
in time
in the context of the whole

I, too, measure my life by parallax
staring, unblinking, at the dawn star
which seems to fade as the blue blanket that surrounds it lightens
the star itself has not changed

just as when, finding myself
moved to shed the weight of something I held dear
my being has not changed

I am simply seeing
more of myself.

AIG isn't really the problem ...

So yes, I too was very upset when news of the AIG bonuses came out in the news. It is utterly ridicilous that a group of already-wealthy people who SUCK at what they do and then take taxpayers' money should receive any more than the basest salaries. What the heck is the difference between a performance bonus and a "retention bonus"? And what about all of the workers who lost their jobs through no fault of their own??? Why isn't someone MAKING them give it back? Ever heard of garnishing wages? That's what happens to normal poor people when they don't pay back what they should (taxes, child support, etc.).

But come on people, get real! Here we are, living in a country that might as well have a dollar sign stamped on our national flag, and we are suddenly outraged at white collar crime. H-e-l-l-o. These kinds of shenanigans happen all of the time. The danger in this sudden, media-frenzied outrage is that the majority of people will assume this is a one-time mistake, ignoring the gross inequities that make this sort of thing possible. And that once we punish AIG, we can all go back to blissfully believing in "the free market" again. Because really, even if they hadn't gotten that bailout money, do you really think they would have foregone their bonuses? Really?

a note to supervisors

During my short working life, I've managed to encounter my fair share of poor ... managers. (I've also been a manager, so perhaps the people I've bossed around will have some complaints of their own.) Regardless, I believe that managing is an incredibly underrated skill, and that most people who become managers never bother to learn the interpersonal skills needed for the job. Thus, without further ado, I present a brief list of managing "don'ts", inspired by personal experience as one being constantly -- poorly -- managed (written from the employee perspective).

1. Don't say "we" will do something when you mean "you" will do it.
2. Don't pretend to care what I think if you really don't.
3. Don't make up rules that cannot be justified or explained and expect me to respect your authoritay.
4. Don't give me your opinion constantly and act like I agree with you ... cause I probably don't.
5. Don't yell at me about something trivial, then when you realize what a dolt you are come back and play nice.
6. Don't act like something doesn't matter one day and scream about it the next.
7. Don't get flustered and defensive when I ask questions.
8. Don't be surprised or upset when employees discuss and compare pay and benefits.
9. Don't treat me like your daughter ... cause I'm not.
10. Don't expect me to be loyal to the point where I put my job above everything else in my life.

stupidest quote ... ever.

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

~~~ Dr. Adrian Rogers , 1931 to 2005 ~~~

Okay, and now for the commentary: so, why the heck do people have this up everywhere? And why do I hate this quote? Let me count the ways:

1. First of all, it equates having money with freedom, which is a fallacy.

2. It assumes that people receiving government assistance are NOT WORKING. Which is a lie.

3. It assumes that people receiving government assistance will decide that "they do not have to work", which is complete bull****. People who receive government assistance hardly get anything, and they have to prove that they are working, in school, or applying for work.

4. It alludes to the idea that the government cannot make people more free. This is based again on the idea that money makes us free, that somehow holding on to more of our paychecks will make us free ... by going to the mall more often? The whole point of having a government is to do together what we cannot accomplish alone ... it is things that the government brings ALL of us, equally, such as the public library, public schools, etc. that creates opportunity and intellectual freedom. And if ALL people had health care, affordable housing, etc., then perhaps all people would have "freedom." For what good is freedom for some while others toil away in poverty?

This is the most self-righteous, elitist bull crap out there, and is only held dear by the wealthy who would have us all believe that if only we all "worked hard," we would all have wealth. Seriously, people. That is not real life. Do some research.

the tao of pencil sharpening

There are many moments during my day that allow for quiet reflection. Standing on the playground watching the Kindergartners cross the monkey bars, preparing eight trays of graham crackers and yogurt, and, last week, meticulously sharpening 200 colored pencils by hand. These are the times when I tend to drift off and get lost in my imagination, imagining, for better or worse, the adults these children will become. Like in Annie Hall, as the children in the classroom stand up one by one and profess to what they are as adults: the drug dealer, the depressed housewife, the thief, etc.

The elfin, mousy brown girl with braids reading in the corner an introspective librarian; the blond rough-and-tumble five year old running with the football past the fifth graders a quarterback prom king; the skirted girl splayed out in the tanbark an actress on Broadway; the withdrawn girl with tousled hair a single mother always searching for the wrong man; the pudgy, tired, lonely pale boy a pudgy, tired, lonely, pale man.

Though it is likely not beneficial to typecast these young children when they have not yet begun to blossom into adults with all their frailties, I find it almost impossible to keep from doing it. I know, though, that life is a winding road, and I hope for those who seem to be on an unfortunate path that the road leads toward unexpected happy endings.

where i am

There is something within me that I am constantly struggling against that makes it difficult for me to accept where I am at the current moment in time. My parents have told me that since birth I've been high energy, always working on something, running somewhere. This tendency can have its benefits, but in the last few years it has made it difficult to just ... be. I'll get a job, then after a few months be ready for something new. I can't help but think one, five, ten years down the road. I know all of the reasons, theories, meditative techniques to establish a state of moment-to-moment awareness, but for some reason I have a hard time putting it into practice.

Therefore, every day, I tell myself:

don't overthink
don't jump to conclusions
observe with non-attachment to the outcomes
don't think of where else you could be
appreciate those around you with new eyes
today, this moment, is all you have
be the mountain, unmoving

A Tranny Valentine's Day?

Ah, the innocence of children.

Friday at work was a whirlwind of candy, paper hearts, screaming children, and ... tranny Valentines. That's right. What do you tell a Kindergartner, excitedly showcasing her Valentines from school, when one of said Valentines has a photograph of transvestites? The answer is: nothing.

The afternoon had been progressing normally, though a little amped up by sugar, when an angelic blond darling sauntered up to a fellow teacher begging her to read her her Valentine. Though I was across the room, I heard the sudden gasp of the teacher and turned to see the five-year-old looking up at teacher in confusion. Teacher then walked over to me, followed by the innocent, and said, "You've got to see her Valentine." The front seemed tame enough, reading, "This Valentine doesn't have any trans-fat, but there's another secret hidden inside." It opened to a large color photograph of two awkwardly dressed transvestites pushing shopping carts down the vegetable isle of a supermarket.

Normally, I try not to laugh at things the kids give me in seriousness, but this was one of those moments that I could not stop myself. I actually had to walk to the bathroom because I was laughing so hard and didn't want to have to explain the reason for my laughter to the poor little girl. The whole way to the door, I was trailed by, "Why are you laughing at my Valentine, Erin? Why?"

The Valentine was quickly put away, but the little innocent just could not seem to resist going and looking at it every half hour or so. When her mother came to pick her up, we quietly warned her of the card's content, and began to usher them out the door. As they walked outside into the night, I distinctly heard the little girl say, "But Mom, this one kinda looks like a boy ...".

I walked to my car laughing so hard I had to wipe tears from my eyes.

don't be afraid

The cars in my neighborhood are covered with bumper stickers -- "Keep Fairfax Weird," "Fairfax: Mayberry on Acid," "Obama", etc. -- and usually my eyes glaze over reading them in their similitude, but I saw one recently that made me stop and take notice. It said simply, "Don't Be Afraid." This short phrase strikes me as very profound. It often seems as though the people all around me are filled with fear: the mother at the park screaming at her son to get down from that tree, the boyfriend who beats his girlfriend because he's afraid she'll leave him, the suburban housewife afraid to go walking at night, the angry masses who would deny marriage to people in love, the government that "detains" people endlessly, the crossbearers on their knees praying for salvation, the policeman walking down the street with his hand on his holster ... I could go on and on.

What if, instead of fear, we turned to love? Do people who are afraid live longer? Go to heaven? Spare themselves from horrible accidents? Or do they merely live anxious, hate-filled, isolated lives?

The National Rifle Association, an organization based completely on fear, has more than 4 million members in the United States. That is a huge number ... but it's still less than 2 in every 100 Americans. So I guess it's not as dire as it seems; 98% of the population is either too lazy to join the NRA, or are hoping for something better.

untitled poem before bed

“Math is the language of the world,” you said after
I giggled to myself in wonder that I
the wordsmith
have a mathematician for a husband.

Thinking then of the wonder of
nonverbal communication
and always quick to doubt the significance of
numbers, quantities, lines, theorems,
I countered, “What about music? The swell of a symphony, the
quarter half whole notes
read by eager fingers and throats …”

But I had misunderstood
There I was thinking that math could bring
a world full of unhappy people
together in a sort of ecstatic harmony
but you had simply meant

That those doubted numbers, quantities, lines, theorems
control the wind, the arc of an arrow, the
flight of a bumblebee

that math rules the world.

the joy of doing nothing

Usually I am not the type of person to sleep in, lounge around in my pajamas, swear off showering, and lie on the sofa until noon drinking coffee ... but this weekend I was. And it was fabulous! Perhaps it is due to my recently lowered stress levels, perhaps it is the weather ... regardless, the last couple of days I experienced the pure and simple joy of ... doing nothing. In an increasingly frenzied world, where the worth of one's life is judged by the hours she spends working, producing, accumulating, I am trying to learn to be content with doing nothing. Well ... maybe not completely nothing ... I did do yoga, finish Lolita, see The Wrestler (fantastic, by the way), and go walking in the rain. The result of this slow weekend? Clear white eyes, wrinkle-less brow, and a glance toward Monday with calm resignation (as opposed to the usual tense regret that comes with adulthood).

cycling is so fun, la di da

I love being on a bike!

Even when it jumps out and viciously attacks me ...

Yesterday Mark and I went on an epic 30-mile ride through West Marin with our dear friends Nick and Carrie. Nick and Carrie are decidedly hardcore cyclists, while Mark and I ebb and flow from casual to semi-hardcore, depending on the season and where we are living. We started out in the quaint town of Tomales, and rode out amid the small farms, passing fuzzy baby cows along the way. It was so beautiful and relaxing, with rolling hills just steep enough to get your heart pumping and legs burning but not so steep as to make you swear off cycling forever. And we only got harassed by an angry motorist once!

The definite highlight was when I tried to unclip from my pedals, lost my balance, and fell while riding uphill. DOH! And though the knee and arm I landed on escaped from the incident relatively unscathed, my other leg, which was unclipped already and was flailing to reach the ground, was caught by my razor-sharp pedal and sliced up the calf. Blood everywhere, but I had to finish the last few miles ... I guess yesterday I fell into the semi-hardcore category!

Michael Pollan is NOT an elitist

Contrary to my previous take on his persona. After breezing through The Botany of Desire, I have decided instead that this man is most definitely a genius, not simply for his beautiful prose but for his earth-shattering insights into our co-evolution with plants ... most specifically marijuana. HOLY COW. The book is divided neatly into four sections, each following a plant that human culture uses to gratify a specific desire. There's the apple, which we have cultivated and bred to satisfy our desire for sweetness; the tulip, which we have bred to satisfy our love (and sometimes mania) for beauty; the potato, which we have (disturbingly) chemicalized to satisfy our need for control. But the most astonishing chapter for me was that on marijuana and our desire for intoxication. Even if you have never indulged in marijuana's ability to elevate the self out of the drone of the everyday, even if you think that all the potheads should be shot, even if you think that marijuana is as bad as heroin, you should take an hour out of your misinformed life to read this chapter. No, it does not try to convert you, but merely offers an explanation for why millions of people choose to indulge in this particular drug. Most explanations for marijuana's attractiveness are weak. Pollan takes it so much further, by positing (in much more eloquent prose) that the primary reason people smoke pot is to quiet the noise of life and to truly live in the moment, as we did when we were young children. And, every once in a while, this is definitely a worthwhile activity, whether you experience it through yoga, meditation, or marijuana.

looking forward and back

At first glance, it seems kinda silly that people get so worked up over the change in the year. But I love it -- mainly for the symbolism. And having a new year's resolution (or 10) sort of infuses January with purpose, which is good for me because January generally makes me want to curl up in a blanket and sleep til March.

All in all, 2008 was a challenging year of growth for me. Here are my highlights (thanks for the idea, valerie!):

10. Walking to work over the Marin Headlands
9. Visiting Amanda in Phoenix
8. Buying a sweet road bike and challenging myself to a 20-mile commute
7. Making new friends at work
6. Seeing a whale and its baby playing in an inlet at Rodeo Beach!
5. Embracing the idea of Mark having a motorcycle :)
4. Moving to Fairfax, into an actual HOUSE
3. Backpacking to Young Lakes with my amazing husband
2. Deciding that other than writing, I find the most joy in teaching
1. Hiking to the top of Half Dome

And, in 2009, I hope to:

10. Do more yoga
9. Bike-commute to work
8. Become a seamstress
7. Climb more
6. Hike Mt. Whitney (maybe?)
5. Help my sister move back to the Bay Area!!!
4. Go on a real vacation!
3. Write more
2. Worry less
1. Hike often

Here's to another trip around the sun :)